Madcap NHL Conference Semifinal Picks

I went 6-2 in the first round, and came within two goals of 8-0. But hey, Pittsburgh is out! Whoo! Although we'll have to listen to them whine about how far they would have gone with Cindy...

Anyway, on to the conference semifinal picks:

Eastern Conference:

Washington versus Tampa Bay - TB should be exhausted. Washington is rested and good, and should manhandle the Lightning in 5.

Philadelphia versus Boston - Another rough series. I see this going seven, and Washington walking through the winner for the finals. I'll take Philadelphia in seven.

Western Conference:

Vancouver versus Nashville - Nashville in 6! Vancouver got pushed to the brink and I don't think they match up well against Nashville.

San Jose versus Detroit - Not even being a homer, but this will be the best series to watch this round. These teams are very close in talent and skill; but I'll give the edge to Detroit (duh) because San Jose barely beat LA. They won three games in OT - not exactly a ringing endorsement.

Sets up Detroit versus Nashville and Washington versus Philadelphia.

Drama Ensues

Ever feel inundated?

This week has suddenly become "Family Drama" week. Seriously, it's worse than a Lifetime special. Shall we go with bulleted points? I think so:

• My father hasn't talked to my brother in months, maybe years? Including not bothering to call or facebook him on his Birthday. Oh, and my dad remarried, which is good but weird
• This has led my brother to take to facebook, saying how he "hates my ******* dad"
• My 15 year old cousin was recently expelled for drug activity, and refuses to give up said drugs
• My 45ish aunt is pregnant, even though she can't/doesn't really take care of her two kids she has. The father used to be married to someone else. Oh, and this was purposeful on my Aunt after she miscarried a baby just last year.
• My grandfather Joe is probably dying, but since he has alienated most of his family, no one really cares.
• The only people who do care are those he hasn't alienated, who are upset at the rest of the family for not visiting/calling Joe
• My 18 year old sister is pregnant, and the father is a guy who has cheated on her multiple times and recently had the facebook status "there's something about a girl saying no that makes me want to rape her lol"

I think that about covers it. Mind you, that's really only my side. I could bring in a few of Jess's family members too, but this seems like a good list.

What do I feel about all of this? Pressure. I'm the guy that my family thinks to rely on. Here's a solid example - I got a call from my cousin Andrea the other night regarding the Grandpa Joe situation. I was expecting her to yell at me because I, like most of the rest, have not called this man that I don't have a relationship with (I can seriously count the number of times I've seen him on one hand, and remember one conversation). I braced myself to be yelled at, only to discover that she was calling me because I was a "peacemaker" and she wanted me to say something to the rest of my cousins, so that they would hopefully visit/call Joe.

It reminds me of when my mom died, and I was the one who wasn't really allowed to break down. I needed to be the strong one, carry my dad, be there for my family. Take the lead, help make decisions, etc. I know that I put some of that on myself, but it was still there, undeniable.

I remember a conversation with a pastor who said that my entire family was "looking to me and wondering, whether or not I was about to break down. Be strong for them."

I don't know that this post has much of a point, other than to rail against that. I don't always want to be that guy. But I will be, as much as I can.

P.S. If you're someone involved in one of those bulleted points reading this, I'm sorry if you feel offended. Feel free to call and talk about it sometime.

Madcap NHL Playoff Picks

First, a confession: I don't want much NHL these days. It's hard to find in Seattle. I know of one sports bar that shows games, and it's in the U-District. So my observations and picks will be based mostly on wishes and on bias. Pretty much like everything else I do. I'm hoping to catch games online - we'll see how it goes. So here's my Madcap Picks for the first round.

Eastern Conference:

1. Washington Capitals vs 8. New York Rangers - Will the Capitals finally get it, in the playoffs? Will Ovechkin become a great postseason player? I'm thinking the Caps dispose of their playoff demons (for now) and win this in 5.

2. Philadelphia Flyers vs 7. Buffalo Sabres - This is probably the most commonly picked "upset" round this year. A lot of analysts are picking the Sabres because the Flyers are hurting and not playing well. Rule of thumb: anytime most people agree on an upset, it's not going to happen. I'll take Philly in 6.

3. Boston Bruins vs 6. Montreal Canadiens - This promises to be a brutal series, after the hit that Chara put on Pacioretty just a month ago. These two teams hate each other. And that spells a seven game series to me. I'll take Montreal to come in and shock the Bruin's faithful in Boston in Game 7.

4. Pittsburgh Penguins vs 5. Tampa Bay Lightning - I don't know what to expect in this series. Will Crosby show up? I'm pretty sure if Pittsburgh falls behind in the series or faces elimination he'll be there. I'm cheering on Tampa Bay, but it's not a wise idea to pick against home ice and against experience... Pittsburgh in 6.

Western Conference

1. Vancouver Canucks vs 8.Chicago Blackhawks - Ah geez. I hope this goes 7 and these two teams cream each other. I'm picking Vancouver in 5 though.

2. San Jose Sharks vs 7. Los Angeles Kings - San Jose in 5. Kopitar is hurt, and San Jose is a good team.

3. Detroit Red Wings vs 6. Phoenix Coyotes - Rematch, huh? So if Detroit took 7 games to beat Phoenix last year, without home ice and banged up, I think I'll take Detroit in 6 this year.

4. Anaheim Ducks vs 5. Nashville Predators - Sort of the afterthought series, even if it includes probable MVP Corey Perry. Both of these teams fly under the radar. I'll take Nashville in 6.

So that sets up round 2:

Washington vs Montreal

Philadelphia vs Pittsburgh

Vancouver vs Nashville

San Jose vs Detroit (ouch)

Here's the thing... I don't see Detroit winning it this year. The Western Conference is very strong, with too many teams that seem to have Detroit's number. Vancouver, San Jose, and Chicago are teams we definitely do not want, and it's not like Nashville or Anaheim are good for our health. Our best bet is Vancouver wins, LA wins, and Nashville wins first round. Then we draw Nashville and hope that LA can beat up Vancouver. Basically, to set up a cherry second round, we're looking for an LA round one victory - the one thing that's pretty much guaranteed not to happen.

Also, we don't have Colorado to beat up this year. Maybe the Wings are bluffing - they've been coasting for a few weeks and are ready to turn it on for the playoffs (see: 2002 playoffs). Or maybe they won't turn it on in time (see: 2001 playoffs). We'll see.

Writing a Killer Shark Novel (or making a Killer Shark Movie)

This might be one of my bucket list things. Write a great Killer Shark Novel. I love killer shark books and movies, and I love them even more when they are done well. Jaws is a great read and a great movie, and is obviously the pinnacle of anything killer shark related. At the bottom end, we have schlock like Sci-Fi channel specials ("Mega-Shark versus Giant Octopus!" or my new favorite "Sharktopus!") and we also have the bottom end of literature - Steve Alten's Meg sequels (the first was pretty good, but they pretty quickly nosedive into schlock).

Let's look at two common problems that Killer Shark Novels face, and see if we can't brainstorm a way around them.

1. The Setting. Sharks live in water. Duh. Shark attacks, therefore, happen in water. So the first problem we have to deal with is why don't our protagonists just stay out of the water. We have a few approaches. Jaws, for instance, needs the beaches open for economic reasons. This is the most basic motivation - we can't get all the people out of the water in time, for some reason. So we have a quest to kill the beast before it kills others.

There are a couple other ways to get around this setting issue. For one, we can always go the route of White Shark (by Peter Benchley) - the shark evolves(!) lungs and can then walk and attack on land. Those wacky Nazis!

There's also Deep Blue Sea method - bring the setting to the sharks! In Deep Blue Sea, the laboratory the scientists are working on sinks and the sharks get in. It gets even crazier / cooler in the proposed sequel Deep Red Sea (which never materialized) - where a tower would fall into the ocean and sink partially, allowing the sharks to attack a hotel.

2. The Creature. Generally, we have to start looking at larger sharks for them to be a serious and continual threat to human beings. Sharks under 10 feet, whilst still possessing sharp and dangerous teeth, are not usually regarded as a terrible threat. Under 20 feet, and we may not be looking a repeat or multiple offender. Once we're at that 20 feet threshold, we have a creature that's large enough to do damage and one that considers a human being a proper sized meal. Unfortunately, sharks rarely get that large. When you rule out rather benign species, we're looking at Great Whites, as a rule of thumb.

We could always genetically engineer a smaller shark to be larger (Deep Blue Sea) or resurrect an extinct shark (Meg), but this runs us into other problems. Genetic engineering pigeonholes us into a story about... the perils of genetic engineering. And the extinct sharks we deal with (primarily the Megalodon) tend to be too large. The main shark in the Meg series is 72 feet long; at that point, eating humans is a waste of energy.

I suppose a school or swarm of smaller sharks would be dangerous as well, but thats basically the plot of Piranha. And even small sharks can be dangerous if there's no way to escape them or fend them off (Open Water).

So there we go. The two common stretches that we'd need to make to create worthwhile Killer Shark Story. We need a setting and we need a creature. The setting gives us the excuse for the creature. There are two ways to make the Killer Shark Story memorable - take existing tropes/settings/creature and write it really well - or use a new setting/creature.

A new creature tends to be outlandish - look at all the Sci-Fi specials out there. So what do we have for a new setting? What ways can we think of to bring the humans to the sharks (Or vice versa)?

NHL: Bias Ranking

In the spirit of my NFL Bias Rankings, I present to you the first ever annual NHL Bias Rankings. As I said for the NFL Rankings:

"They're just like power rankings, but intentionally skewed to the teams that I am biased towards or against. So at the higher end you'll have teams that I hate and thus tend to root and pick against. Lower numbers more directly correspond to teams that I root for."

I'll be inventing whole new divisions (separate from the NFL Divisions). Without any further ado, here we go!

The Turtle Division

30. Pittsburgh Penguins

29. Colorado Avalanche

28. Chicago Blackhawks

Named after this particular fighting style - "The Turtle." As you can see, dirty coward Claude Lemieux has decided to fight Darren McCarty by hiding his head and trying to not get hurt. Epitome of cowardice and disgrace. For this division, we have Pittsburgh, Colorado, and Chicago. Colorado is on principle; as the employer of Claude Lemieux. They haven't really been a rivalry in years - and the last attempt to convince loyal Red Wings that they were a rival was the playoff series where Johan Franzen singlehandedly outscored the entire Colorado team (2008, nine goals to eight). Pittsburgh is on this list for employing Sidney Crosby, who I am willing to bet will not miss a single playoff game. What a weasel. And Chicago had no fans before taking the easy road to the Stanley Cup last year. Nowadays, you have to watch to not get crushed underneath the bandwagon.

The Put Up or Shut Up Division

27. San Jose Sharks

26. Nashville Predators

25. Vancouver Canucks

Seriously. If you can't win a Stanley Cup, don't even try to pretend you're any good. Doesn't matter if you get into the playoffs every year.

The Mel Gibson Division

24. Anaheim Ducks

23. Ottawa Senators

22. St Louis Blues

Can't like them on principle. Might have been cool in the past, but nowadays they're just spewing nonsense. Blue's get here for being a rival; Ducks are here for what I'm sure was black magic voodoo for their cup run (Pretty convinced Giguere had cellophane wrapped around the goal, with the way pucks would bounce out rather than in). And Ottawa... well, they probably deserve to be in the Put Up or Shut Up division, but they're from a province of Canada that comes across as snobby and pretentious. Pretentious Canadians? Unbelievable.

The Contraction Division

21. Florida Panthers

20. Atlanta Thrashers

19. Carolina Hurricanes

18. Columbus Blue Jackets

17. Minnesota Wild

If we combined all of these teams into just two teams, I'd be okay with that. Florida/Atlanta/Carolina become the Southeastern Thrashing Hurricanes. Columbus and Minnesota become the Minnesota Blue Stars. With that, the NHL goes to 27 teams, we put one in more in Canada (for a total of 28), and we can go to 4 divisions. Piece of cake.

The New York Division

16. New York Rangers

15. New York Islanders

14. New Jersey Devils

13. Buffalo Sabres

I can't think of why I don't like these teams, except that they're New York teams. My hatred of Yankees and Giants may be rubbing through. I do like Buffalo and New Jersey, mainly because they've both had amazing goaltenders (Hasek and Brodeur).

The Canadian Division

12. Edmonton Oilers

11. Calgary Flames

10. Montreal Canadiens

9. Boston Bruins

Isn't Boston in Canada? These are teams I wish were better, because they have a good rich history of hockey. Or they're canadian.

The Michael Biehn Division

8. Phoenix Coyotes

7. Philadelphia Flyers

6. Los Angeles Kings

I vaguely remember these teams from the playoffs years ago, and possibly winning the Stanley Cup through them. It was so long ago though that I don't recognize them any longer. It's like Michael Biehn - you certainly remember him from growing up with Aliens and Terminator and The Abyss, but if you saw him today you wouldn't have the foggiest idea who he was.

The Elephant Ear Division

5. Dallas Stars

4. Washington Capitals

3. Toronto Maple Leafs

Guilty pleasures, all. Shouldn't like them, but I do. Dallas had Mike Modano for awhile; perhaps in the top three of classy captains of all time (behind Yzerman and Messier). Capitals were always a fun team (and Ovechkin is a real player, unlike Crosby). And Toronto? I wish they were a team we met in the playoffs a lot. That would be a fun rivalry to reignite.

The Karl Urban Division

2. Tampa Bay Lightning

Surprisingly delightful. I've always enjoyed them, and now that their manager is good ole Stevie Y, I find myself rooting for them. They'll be in the playoffs this year, and that would a great matchup for the Stanley Cup Finals.

The Home Team

1. Detroit Red Wings

Flatout the most dominant team in hockey in the last 20 years. Since 1997, we've had 4 Stanley Cups. We've won the Central Division 9 out of the last 10 years. We're on our 10th straight 100 point season (NHL record, and active). We're also on 20 straight years in the playoffs.

And thus, the NHL Bias Rankings. I realized that because I care more about Hockey, and actually have a team that's worth supporting, there are a lot more villains than there are heroes. In football, it's about 50/50. In hockey, I like approximately 1/6 of the teams. I thought this would be a good primer, and also a good start for my NHL predictions (as the playoffs are only a week away). Go Wings!