I've found through the years that my understanding of myself changes. I don't know if it's growth, per se, or simply understanding who I am better, but many of the things I used to be and do are no longer true about me.
Four years ago, I was in college, at the top of the world, in some senses. I was a leader on campus, in multiple positions, with many friends. I was someone that people looked up to, someone that was funny, someone that could spiritually challenge you.
And then I moved to South Carolina and tried to take that persona with me, into a new world. And I sort of fell flat on my face. I made a lot of friends, but I also sort of came to realize I'm a jerk. And I'm a poor leader when I'm trying.
I came to realize that I generally succeeded in spite of myself. It was when I withdrew and backed off that I found myself at the forefront of the game, in a way.
I moved to Seattle and have basically said I was going to sit back for three years and support Jess. I wasn't going to take the charge; I wasn't going to start a church or lead a small group; I wasn't going to push or pull anyone.
And then I consistently get pushed into positions where I'm doing well, despite having backed off. My supervisor refuses to let my job just be a job - if I'm not growing or learning, then something's wrong. Jess doesn't let me just sit back and do nothing - she challenges me to strive for more, in our relationship, and in other relationships. And even God isn't letting me sit back, and is constantly throwing things for me to do and learn and stretch with.
And all this is teaching me some things about myself. Maybe I'm not the leader I always imagined; maybe I'm a different sort of leader. I don't think I should ever be the senior pastor for a church - I don't do well with power. Even the little bit of managing that I've been given at work is a struggle for me - because I let it become about me and what I want. I used to assume that once I was in a leadership/management position I would wow everyone with my skills - but I simply don't think thats true anymore.
This has been an interesting time of my life. And it only continues from here.
2 comments:
A very real and honest introspection. I love it.
I think it shows real growth.
And i think the best leaders are the ones who realize how little they actually know and how great an honor it is to have the privilege to lead others.
I think it will be exciting to see where you end up, and what you end up doing.
On a lighter note: your supervisor sounds like a great person to work for. It's almost as if he cares about you as a whole person instead of just as a robot machine who answers phones and waves at people. (which also would be pretty cool)
yes i agree, you are kind of a jerk.
haha!
just kidding. good introspection indeed. i'm always impressed by your thought-provoking thoughts.
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