NFL: Bias Rankings

Welcome to the Original First Ever Bias Rankings!

They're just like power rankings, but intentionally skewed to the teams that I am biased towards or against. So at the higher end you'll have teams that I hate and thus tend to root and pick against. Lower numbers more directly correspond to teams that I root for. I'll be eschewing the regular picks column this week and just make quick picks at the end...

The Hell in a Handbasket Division

32. Chicago Bears

31. New York Jets

30. Pittsburgh Steelers

29. New York Giants

I'm not saying that I wish that these guys would be sucked into a black hole, but I probably won't be too upset if they do. Chicago is a division rival who get full of themselves at the drop of a hat. Pittsburgh has carryover from Dave Morgan and from the Penguins. And while you never need reasons to hate New York teams, the combination of A) Rex Ryan and B) the 2007 Superbowl don't help.

The DNA Level C Division

28. Cincinnati Bengals

27. Oakland Raiders

26. Seattle Seahawks

DNA Level C was a band from college made up of obnoxious jerks from Cleveland. It's Cleveland spelled backwards (this is the sound of my eyes rolling). No one really liked them, but they certainly liked each other. These teams are comprised of thugs and are generally hard to cheer for. Seattle joins this list this year with the addition of Pete Carroll.

The Nicholas Cage Division

25. Miami Dolphins

24. Atlanta Falcons

23. Arizona Cardinals

I'm not sure why I don't like Nicholas Cage. Maybe it's JUST the WAY he talks; randomly EMPHASIZING WORDS like he's having a VERBAL meltdown. In the same way, I'm not sure why I don't like these teams. Well, I do know Arizona burned me in my playoff picks a couple of years ago (I went 1-3 against them). Atlanta talked me into drafting Michael Turner last year (didn't really work out). And Miami? They have ugly uniforms.

The Biff Tannen Division:

22. Dallas Cowboys

21. Minnesota Vikings

Comically unlikable. No matter what, it's a joy to watch these teams get punched in the face or end up buried in manure.. Key Points: Tony Romo botching a field goal hold (great moment); Favre ending the 2009 season with an interception.

Mildly Disliked sort of like the way I mildly Dislike 7UP

20. Indianapolis Colts

19. San Francisco 49ers

18. Kansas City Chiefs

17. Washington Redskins

These teams are teams that for whatever reason, I just enjoy watching lose. I can't explain it. I think it might be because the Chiefs, 49ers, and Redskins have been mostly irrelevant the last few years. The Colts edge between here and Biff Tannen status; but ultimately its pretty hard to dislike a team that seems to actually have some values. At least to dislike them too much...

The Angelina Jolie Division:

16. St Louis Rams

15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I used to like Angelina Jolie, but then I watched Mr and Mrs Smith with my dad and he... said things... that cannot be unheard. In the same way, I use to feel bad for these teams. As a Lions fan, I feel bad when teams end up below us in the standings. But now both these teams have 2 wins on the season - so they're relegated back to the trash heap.

"I Hear the Jury is still out on Science" Division

14. Jacksonville Jaguars

13. Houston Texans

12. Cleveland Browns

11. Buffalo Bills

Would anyone know if these teams were de-expanded? This year, maybe the Texans, but the jury is still out on them. In fact, whether NFL football is working in these teams is very much a tossup.

The Sawyer Division

10. Tennessee Titans

9. Baltimore Ravens

8. San Diego Chargers

7. New England Patriots

Sawyer was the jerk from Lost who everyone ended up loving by the end. These are all dirty arrogant teams, but dag nabbit, I can't help liking them.

The Michael Bay Division

6. Philadelphia Eagles

5. Denver Broncos

4. Green Bay Packers

Here's a secret: Michael Bay makes fun movies (shush! don't tell anyone). You could call this (and all of Bay's movies) the Guilty Pleasure Division - all of these teams I secretly enjoy watching and cheering for, but I'm not sure why. Philadelphia has that underdog feel; Denver is home of the retardably watchable Josh McDaniels (who at any moment may do something utterly boneheaded) and also the home of Kyle Orton, rejected-Chicago-Bear-currently-leading-in-passing-yardage. And Green Bay? Most everyone likes Green Bay; it's just not okay for me because they're a division rival.

The Couldn't Come Up With A Better Sounding Name than the New Orleans Division:

3. New Orleans Saints

I like Sean Payton... Any guy that would order an onside kick in the Super Bowl is alright with me. And how can you root against the city of New Orleans?

Teams I have to Root For

2. Carolina Panthers

1. Detroit Lions

I'm sort of from Carolina, so I like the Panthers. And I obviously enjoy the Lions. This used to work out for me, because it meant I had my crappy home team, but also a respectable team that I could root for. Now they're both crappy. Sigh.

Quick Picks:

Jaguars

Bengals

Falcons

Lions

Colts

Packers

Panthers

Ravens (lock)

Texans

Saints

Cowboys

Chargers

49ers

Vikings (upset)

Bonus College Pick: U of M over MSU.