The Struggle for Intimacy

We had a conversation in Sabbath Group two weeks ago. It was about where the Sabbath group was going to go; how we were going to change and how we weren’t the same anymore. There is a struggle for intimacy that we have now; the group has grown and changed. It’s harder to share because there are people in Sabbath group who you don’t know; who are for all intents strangers. And I think that struggle for intimacy happens in more than just our Sabbath group.

I think intimacy is being open and authentic and real - letting people know who you are and what you think. And that’s scary; so it leads to the thought that intimacy only happens by going smaller. It’s impossible to be intimate in a conference setting; very difficult in a church setting; hard in a small group setting, and something you have to work at in a marriage.

It’s not hard to see why Intimacy is a constant tension. Intimacy is something that we, as a broken people, desire. Attempts to replace or bolster intimacy rule our everyday lives. So when we see something that is a clear example of intimacy, we want it. So we jump in, and lose some of the intimacy in the process.

How do we respond? I would suggest there are two ways:

1. Make Intimacy a moving target. This seems to the current way of life in America – everyone jumps in on something new, and then it’s not the same, so everyone abandons it in favor of the next “new.” Think about social networks – what is Facebook if not an attempt at knowing the people around us and being known? But now, it’s too big and too corporate. You don’t dare put real personal information on Facebook – anyone anywhere can read it. And so Facebook undergoes a backlash, and new social networking springs up. Twitter, Foursquare, Chatroulette all attempt to take some of that “intimacy space.”

The mental image I have is of frogs and lily pads. One frog jumps to a new lily pad, and it supports his weight just fine. But all the rest of the frogs join him shortly thereafter; and the lily pad sinks underneath the weight. We are the frogs, searching for a lily pad to support us. And as soon as this lily pad can no longer support us, we swim to the next one. (I have no idea if frogs actually do that).

So in this scenario, we’ll never truly be satisfied. It’s a constant search and struggle, and whenever we think we “find it” we have to start looking again. But it’s safe.

2. We could risk. Risk being intimate with the people we don’t know. Risk that it’s okay to share. Know that sometimes, someone is going to punch us in the face for being there. Someone is going to take advantage of us. It’s not going to feel worth it. We’re going to get more beat up than Michael Emerson did on Lost (pop culture reference quota: filled).

But at the same time, the reward is so much more significant. Because we can invite people into intimacy and change lives. That’s why marriages are considered life changing events by HR departments – because it’s a degree of intimacy unmatched by anything else in your life. I literally cannot imagine going back to being single anymore, and neither can any of my married friends (that I’ve talked to). A marriage is, by definition, intimate.

So now imagine if we could be intimate on some of those other levels. I’ve seen lives changed by a dose of intimacy in small group settings. What if we could be intimate in church settings? In work settings? In huge group settings?

This can only happen if we initiate and start letting ourselves be known. Only by taking the first step can we invite other into that process.

Postscript:

I think the biggest factor, of course, in any of this, is God. None of us want to end up bruised and bloodied on the altar of intimacy. But the sad truth is that if we try, the world will take advantage of us. Revealing yourself is dangerous – emotionally and physically. I don’t want to advocate anyone do anything unsafe; I think we should act responsibly. I read just the other day about a family that was robbed blind because they revealed their address in a for sale ad on Craigslist. There are bad people in the world who will take advantage of you.

And it’s only by the grace of God that this is a worthwhile endeavor. It’s not that God will protect you from being hurt; it’s just that God can give your pain meaning and purpose. I’ll write more on this later.